Amazing Funny Quotes

“I make more mistakes than anyone else I know. And, sooner or later, I patent most of them.”


“Burn your computer. Blow up your TV. Bludgeon your cell phone. Breathe deeply. This, my friends, is the secret to inner-peace.”


“I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.”


I hope we’re friend until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the shit out of people.


Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.


Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.


I hope we’re friend until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the shit out of people.


Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’


It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.


A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.


It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.


A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.


One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.


Real friendship is when you friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.


Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental hospital.


“To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.”


You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.


“Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else.”


“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”


“If you do kiss a politician, remember this: You are not only kissing him, you are kissing every butt that he has kissed in the last eight years.”


Life is not about how you survive the storm, it’s about how you dance in the rain.


I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam, I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.